Children’s Commissioner urges parents to put children first during separation and divorce by encouraging mediation

In an unprecedented move, the Children’s Commissioner for England, Dame Rachel de Souza, has written a letter to every parent in the process of separating in a bid to ensure that children’s voices are being fully heard during the process a message that I – as a family lawyer and qualified mediator – wholeheartedly agree with.

The letter was prompted by the Commissioner’s experiences after five years in the role hearing from thousands of children, and one clear message came through: the importance of family. Not, as many would assume, the importance of the family structure but more the importance of the quality of relationships around the child.

The Commissioner explained that those children affected by divorce and separation clearly state that the process can feel deeply upsetting and unsettling, both because of the changes they face and because of how it is often handled by the adults around them. The Commissioner’s research found that it is clear children cope with the situation far better when they know that the adults they love are doing their best to work together, communicate calmly and keep them shielded from conflict, and where children feel they are being listened to.

The letter  is intended as a tool for a families navigating this challenging time, offering reassurance and encouragement.

Notably, Rachel de Souza urges parents to consider other routes to resolve issues and encourages them to consider approaches that reduce conflict, particularly mediation that “can help you communicate in ways that prioritise your child’s needs and reduce the strain on all of you”.  This, she says, will make all the difference to your child both during the separation process and in the long term.  When parents are able to maintain workable, respectful relationships even when it is difficult to do so, there is strong evidence, produced by Professor Gordon Harold and as cited by the Family Solutions Group, which shows clear improvements in the child’s mental health, behaviour, school outcomes and long-term relationships.

Mediation Services

Mediation aims to keep separating people out of court when sorting out finances and arrangements for the children. As a mediator, I create a safe space, allowing the separating couple to constructively discuss the issues and be heard. The couple set their own agenda and move at a pace they are comfortable with to decide the best way forward themselves

Court proceedings can go on for a long time, bringing additional layers of stress and often further eroding communication as parents. For most couples, this is neither necessary nor in their best interests. The outcome is also unpredictable, with the Judge being a stranger to the couple and potentially imposing a decision that may not be the most practical one for them.

Court proceedings are also extremely expensive for each party, eroding marital assets that, particularly in the current economic climate, could well be better used elsewhere. Another way of reaching an outcome without going to court is through mediation.

The beauty of mediation is that it is totally flexible, can be adjusted as needed, carried out face to face or online, and issues are typically resolved within 3 to 5 meetings, avoiding the cost and stress of going to court. All this whilst also keeping any children at the heart of the decisions and working towards a positive co-parenting relationship for the future.

Naomi Hayward is a Partner, Mediator and Collaborative Lawyer at Furley Page. She has been a qualified family lawyer since 2010 and a mediator since 2024. If you would like more information about Family Mediation and whether this could be the right process for you and your family, please contact Naomi for a free, no obligation chat on 01227 763939 or email nfh@furleypage.co.uk.